I’m approaching 30 and it occurred to me how things change over the course of time that don’t really have an impact as you age.
Let’s say you started taking birth control in college and you would have died if your mom even talked to you about it at the time because sex was way too much to even imply. Now, your mom basically goes to pick it up for you monthly because it renews the same time as her crazy pills. Then, this month she calls all pumped up because she bought you a three month supply instead of just one.
There was literally no transition from being flustered as fuck if she found out about me doing the dirty to now. I’m really excited about the three month supply.
Come to think of it, knowing her, she’s swapping my pills with sugar pills.

Cookie dough and ativan aka my Friday.

Cookie dough and ativan aka my Friday.

Cookie dough and ativan aka my Friday.

Cookie dough and ativan aka my Friday.

  • Rach: I'm so traumatized by the last office pics.
  • Me: What shoes are you wearing, do they even show?
  • Rach: YES! She told me I was too tall so I changed into flats.
  • Me: You wore flats?!
  • Rach: I WAS WEARING FLATS LIKE A LESBIAN! My feet were all awkward too!
“My autobiography title should be “Eczema and Ativan””
“PSA: don’t cancel plans unless you know the labor is real.”
Growing up.

Growing up.

Things I thought about while watching NYMED:

If you give your mom a kidney, you will forever be the favorite child. Forget about ever being that again only daughter. The lady said her son gave her life. The other two are now irrelevant.

How do you tell someone you hate their baby?

I relate to this in such a deep level. I can spend my entire life in bed. Alone or with company as long as there is lots of sleep!!!
Fact: last man friend I had was really not into my hibernations. He’s gone.

I like healthy foods. Veggies and fruits are great and stuff. But guys, as I’m forcing down my last little salad full of veggies for dinner bite all I can think is “where are the cheese fries and a cookie already?!” And then realize, girl, that’s why you will never be thin. After that, I realize I’m ok with this because life without cheese fries and cookies is a life I can’t imagine is worth living. Plus, I’m pretty attractive anyway.

So, back in the day, if I didn’t like someone or if they wronged me (in my mind) I just cut them out like cancer. In my more mature years, I’ve been more tolerant and all about lots of chances. Tolerance of assholes is overrated and I highly recommend my old approach. It’s easier and when it’s all said and done the end result is the same.

I’m thinking I’m going back to that school of thought. Just letting you guys know.

I have been having an inordinate amount of dreams involving being front and center at Lady Gaga concerts. What does this mean?

“My mouth is purple, but my mind is clear.”
Me, after a bottle of wine.