Ask me anything, but risk being ignored.
When I see stuff like this Louis Vuitton handbag, it becomes very clear to me that those in charge of fashion are having a good ole laugh at the expense of the rich. I would too guys, I would too.
Today, I saw a girl with a toe ring and her skeevy boyfriend in CVS picking up some Plan B. Makes sense, y’all.
Guys, as most of you know, my life doesn’t usually follow the path of convention. I would expect nothing less. However, I had one of the most awkward experiences of my life this past weekend, and thought you guys would love to hear about it. Not much makes me uncomfortable, but this, this was a doozy.
Single ladies can relate to the fact that everyone is always trying to set us up with just about anyone. Well, finally Boo’s mom found me a guy I’d seen before (not to sound superficial, but the last guy she tried to set me up with was 5’4”…tiny), so I knew he was cute. Plus, this guy plays music at the Pat O’s Piano Bar.
She’d met his parents, the mom had fallen in love with a picture of me, and they’d decided at Boo’s wedding this weekend we would be introduced. None of this was told to me until the day of the wedding. I didn’t really have time to worry about all this because my bestie was getting married.
The wedding ceremony flies by, and we second line to the reception. For those of you who don’t know what a second line is, it’s basically a massive trek through the streets of Nola behind a brass band, so when I got to the reception I was sweating my tits off.
I walk in the reception and my mom comes up to me and ushers me to a group of people. The people include an older man, a younger man, and an older woman. I begin to catch on to this. I look at my mom with horror, and she says, “I’m introducing you to your future in laws.” To which I say, out loud for all to hear, “This is sufficiently awkward.”
The woman comes up to me and hugs me and introduces herself and her son and her husband. I’m in a daze, he’s kind of quiet. I’m about to vomit. She’s still talking to me, and I’m not sure what she’s said. Then she tells him I used to live in New Orleans when I went to grad school. He was all like that’s cool and then this is the one and only conversation we had.
Him: So you have a master’s?
Him: So that means I have to call you master.
Me (nodding): Yes, that’s how it works.
Him: Rules are rules.
Then I excused myself for a glass of vodka.
There is more to this story, but I’ll leave you with this, and let you guys know how this all develops or if it doesn’t. OH! By the way, I pulled the engagement ring out of the cake during the cake pull and this guy’s mom nearly flipped a table in celebration.
My car smells like nachos. No man is ever going to marry a girl whose car smells like nachos.
This is the type of stuff I wake up to. My mom sent me an email with the subject line “mini muff…” My first thought is why is my mom sending my emails about tiny vaginas? She must be insane. Then I realized I’m the sicko, and it’s a miniature muffallatas recipe.
I dreamed that I was hanging with Rachel Zoe last night. We were in LA and I’m like Rachel we need to catch a flight to NYC. She had to finish a photoshoot. At said shoot, she revealed her new boob job in an underwater spread. Really disturbing stuff y’all.
Thank god Joey wasn’t there, or Rodger for that matter. It was her and some peeps I’ve never met. She was really nice, gave fashion advice to a bartender and was generally pleasant. This is how I know it was a dream.
Hey guys, remember that time I was all dark haired and beautifully pale? ME EITHER!!!
I look deathly ill right now because I haven’t had any time to be in the sun and I don’t believe in the tanning bed (or have the funds). It’s like just because the only place I’m a celebrity is in my own head, I can’t be beautifully pale.
What the fuck.